Match Reports 2021

Match Report RTCC v N2CC 2021

Sunday 25th April 2021

at Crouch End

RTCC 288-6

N2CC 218

Railway Taverners won by 70 runs

Let’s cook ourselves another thumping win!

You need:

- Eleven Tavs, well soaked overnight (for best results use water, but alcoholic liquids also work... up to a point)

- One opposition (Full eleven not required). These might look quite lively to start off with but will deflate fairly quickly.

- One cricket pitch

- Beer

Prepare your glorious victory by winning the toss. This can be a bit tricky to get right every time, but winning is all about confidence, so just shout “Heads” and hope for the best. Then look at your line-up and inform the opposition that you would like to have a bat. You should notice the colour drain from their faces at this point.

Start your match by combining solid flavours of nurdling with your seasonal pick of batting bravado. Dom and Nish are good choices, the latter being particularly full of runs at this time of year. Bring your batsmen to a simmer and keep going at around five runs an over until their opening bowlers have finished their spells/decided they are better off keeping wicket.

When the score approaches hundred and Dom has imparted his flavour on the match with a watchful 35, remove him by upholding an LBW appeal (inside edge notwithstanding). This should release rich notes of Eiran into the mix. In most cases, your win should be ready to be served imminently.

If for some inexplicable reason the addition of your skipper fails to bind the batting together, do not panic. With 112 runs already accrued and drinks taken, just reach for the bottle – no, not that one – reach for the bottle labelled “Greg” and splash around vigorously. Nish should already be bubbling away nicely on 48, and it is safe to ignite this heady cocktail of Tavs batting prowess to set the innings on fire. You will notice that the opposition’s bowling options will evaporate in the process. Now is the time to turn the run rate up to ten until both batsmen have passed fifty. Chuck in a few pies along the way and Greg will casually flick them over his own head for 6.

The oppo’s attack should have fully wilted at this stage and their 8th bowler leak 25 runs in one over. Nish might get tempted to crack a loose delivery straight into the boundary rider’s hands and get out for a tasty 85, but the partnership of 115 in 12 overs will have added the desired depth to your innings. Keep the heat up for Greg to score another magnificent hundred off just 63 balls, packed with bold flavours and a strong bouquet of willow striking leather. The rest of the order can then milk the returning change bowlers while your umpire stirs the pot by turning down their forlorn appeals.

After 40 overs, this spicy number will have amassed 288 runs at nearly 7.5 runs an over. Take tea and rest all players for about 30 minutes until they have doubled in size.

Pre-heat your Taverners before taking the field and throw the cherry to Andy and Guy. Then separate their openers with tight bowling. Agitating your pacemen by dropping catches in the deep is not necessary but, let’s face it, fairly inevitable. It might also result in higher speeds once the unfortunate bowler has stewed at fine leg for an over.

Keep the rate down to between five and six an over and use every opportunity to remind the opposition of the ever-growing task at hand. Next, remove their powerful number 3 by serving up a low full toss to have him caught at deep midwicket to cap off a silky-smooth spell of 2-44 by Andy.

Now add Ime to the pressure cooker and turn up the heat on their middle-order until they break down and take on a mushy, soup-like quality. About seven overs of classy seam bowling should be enough to serve up a lip-smacking 3-27, including barbecuing their best bat with a cunning slower ball and skewering the off- and middle-stumps of numbers 5 and 7 respectively.

One essential ingredient that can be hard to get hold of is a keeper of outstanding quality, without whom a day’s foraging for wickets will not be as fruitful. Nish is the perfect choice to make sure any wayward balls are plucked out of thin air. But this well-versed guardian of the stumps is also capable of the extraordinary. Even when a top edge swirls high into the sky and away towards no-man’s land, all is not lost. Nish will run at full speed and, with the ball descending over his shoulder, fling himself off his feet to snaffle the most unlikely of chances in his mitts. Simply stunning.

Having ground down the chase to a fine powder, leave it to Chris and Jocky to add the final garnish. Any sour aftertaste left by their tail will disappear once the former has finished his customary lean spell of two-for-zilch and the latter has chipped in with another catch and a wicket of his own.

The ensuing 70 run win will be ready once you hear the clink of glasses in the beer garden. It is finally time to savour that sweetest taste of them all – another winning day out for the Tavs. Pukka!